Do Giraffes Deserve to Live on This Earth?

DISCLAIMER: MAY CRUSH YOUR CHILD’S DREAMS!

Recently, I’ve been debating with my friends over random topics. The most recent is whether or not giraffes deserve to live on this earth.

Right now you are probably screaming at your computer saying, “What do you mean? Of course giraffes are supposed to live on this earth! They are the most majestic creatures of all time!”

First of all, no they are not. Either sloths or moose are the most majestic creatures of all time. Don’t start hating yet, okay? Have you ever really thought of what giraffes do for the earth? What do they do?

In all of my scientific research, and googling, and making assumptions, I have found only one solid purpose for giraffes, and it is two words: Lion King

 

My mother and I saw “The Lion King” at our local theater on December 16, 2014. It was the most fantabulous (I just made that a word. Roll with it) play I have ever seen. I hate to say it, but the best puppet was the giraffe, so there is its singular reason to live on this earth.

Now, you may be thinking, “Okay, they only have one use, but they don’t harm anything.” Well they do. They eat trees. TREES! You know, those things that give us OXYGEN! If you didn’t know this already, oxygen helps us LIVE! And the giraffes are using it up!

Now, a table from our sponsors:

Pros of Giraffes	Cons of Giraffes
Lion King	Eat trees that give us life
(My mom made me add this) Fantabulous javelin case	Gave us a terrible print to put on coats
	Poop all over the savannah
	Take up room in zoos
	Give the people who protect endangered species more work
	Make average sized mammals feel small
	Let children down when they realize they can’t own them as pets
	Waste yarn for their neck scarves
	Your children can fit down their throats

The most popular argument I get for giraffes is “They make children happy!”

No.

They.

Don’t.

Notice the last con on the table above. They can fit your CHILDREN down their THROATS!

(I don't know if this is real or fake, but that's besides the point)

Plus, when you went to the zoo, the animals that made you happy were NOT the giraffes.

For me, flamingos; for most people, elephants; for one of my best friends, otters. I surveyed my whole class, and nobody said giraffes.

Now, a chart from our sponsors:

  

Okay, one person said giraffes, but she also said the place where you get to feed the birds, so technically, only 0.5 people said the giraffes made them happy.

The other most common argument I get is in the defense form. It normally sounds like this, “Well, what do sloths do for the environment?”

Sloths pollinate trees, simple as that. The also eat very little, so they aren’t wasting leaves. Oh! And they only go to the bathroom once a week, so they’re not polluting the jungle. There is also a whole Internet body of comedy based on sloths.

There you have it, my complete argument against giraffes. So far, only two people support me. Join the Anti-Giraffes! We need numbers! (FYI: We are not planning on killing giraffes. We just want to demote them). Make websites, t-shirts, anything helps!

Signed,

The Odd Child

SLOTH