Do Giraffes Deserve to Live on This Earth?

DISCLAIMER: MAY CRUSH YOUR CHILD’S DREAMS!

Recently, I’ve been debating with my friends over random topics. The most recent is whether or not giraffes deserve to live on this earth.

Right now you are probably screaming at your computer saying, “What do you mean? Of course giraffes are supposed to live on this earth! They are the most majestic creatures of all time!”

First of all, no they are not. Either sloths or moose are the most majestic creatures of all time. Don’t start hating yet, okay? Have you ever really thought of what giraffes do for the earth? What do they do?

In all of my scientific research, and googling, and making assumptions, I have found only one solid purpose for giraffes, and it is two words: Lion King

 

My mother and I saw “The Lion King” at our local theater on December 16, 2014. It was the most fantabulous (I just made that a word. Roll with it) play I have ever seen. I hate to say it, but the best puppet was the giraffe, so there is its singular reason to live on this earth.

Now, you may be thinking, “Okay, they only have one use, but they don’t harm anything.” Well they do. They eat trees. TREES! You know, those things that give us OXYGEN! If you didn’t know this already, oxygen helps us LIVE! And the giraffes are using it up!

Now, a table from our sponsors:

Pros of Giraffes	Cons of Giraffes
Lion King	Eat trees that give us life
(My mom made me add this) Fantabulous javelin case	Gave us a terrible print to put on coats
	Poop all over the savannah
	Take up room in zoos
	Give the people who protect endangered species more work
	Make average sized mammals feel small
	Let children down when they realize they can’t own them as pets
	Waste yarn for their neck scarves
	Your children can fit down their throats

The most popular argument I get for giraffes is “They make children happy!”

No.

They.

Don’t.

Notice the last con on the table above. They can fit your CHILDREN down their THROATS!

(I don't know if this is real or fake, but that's besides the point)

Plus, when you went to the zoo, the animals that made you happy were NOT the giraffes.

For me, flamingos; for most people, elephants; for one of my best friends, otters. I surveyed my whole class, and nobody said giraffes.

Now, a chart from our sponsors:

  

Okay, one person said giraffes, but she also said the place where you get to feed the birds, so technically, only 0.5 people said the giraffes made them happy.

The other most common argument I get is in the defense form. It normally sounds like this, “Well, what do sloths do for the environment?”

Sloths pollinate trees, simple as that. The also eat very little, so they aren’t wasting leaves. Oh! And they only go to the bathroom once a week, so they’re not polluting the jungle. There is also a whole Internet body of comedy based on sloths.

There you have it, my complete argument against giraffes. So far, only two people support me. Join the Anti-Giraffes! We need numbers! (FYI: We are not planning on killing giraffes. We just want to demote them). Make websites, t-shirts, anything helps!

Signed,

The Odd Child

SLOTH

New Trend: Slothing

“What is slothing?” you may ask. Slothing is a new trend (At least I hope it will be).

Does everyone remember planking? Teapotting? Tebowing? Vadering? Okay, none of these are important except for planking. Planking is when you stiffen your body in the position of lying down on your stomach, like below.

           

 Planking began to get extreme, being on top of buildings, light posts, animals, or police cars.

On a light post:

On a Tiger:

(Ooooooh! I spot a daredevil).

On Camels:

(How is this even possible)?

On a Police Car:

(BTW: This was really stupid he got arrested).

            Okay, now that you know the basics of planking, you must learn about slothing. Slothing is something that my friends and I hope will catch on as a trend. You basically hug somebody from the side, wrapping your arms around their shoulders. This is called slothing because it seems as if you are a sloth and they’re a tree branch.

(Yes, this sloth is slothing).

Now, a Table from our Sponsors:

What:	Slothing
Who:	Anyone (especially celebrities, try not to get tazed by the bodyguards though)
Where:	Everywhere (except on government property or at funerals)
When:	Anytime (except  during national crises)
Why:	To make people happy
How:	Wrapping your arms around an individual, facing their shoulders

            Now you can see why slothing is so important for society, IT MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY! What’s better than that?

Signed,

Sloth

SLOTH

A Few Words from the Odd Child

Hey y’all! I’m Elise and I will basically be posting whatever the heck I want on here, whether that’s a rant about a random topic  or trend, or a tip on writing, which you will probably notice is one of my favorite topics. Honestly, I have a lot of favorite topics.

To Elaborate:

            I absolutely love to write. It is one of my few hobbies. This year, I participated in a program called NaNoWriMo, and I won by writing more than 30,000 words in one month!

            I did this for fun, so yes, you could say I’m a very serious writer. I am now editing my “novel” (I don’t know if you can call it that yet), and will hopefully be publishing it soon. That may be another thing you hear about on here.

            One of my other hobbies is acting. My first skit was in first grade, when I played The Little Red Hen.

I was extremely proud to have learned all of my lines in one month and performing in front of a group of parents. Since then acting has made me an extremely happy person. My favorite roles include Ursula from “The Little Mermaid Jr.: The Musical,” and Captain Hook from “Peter Pan Jr.: The Musical.”

            As you will find throughout my various posts, I am, like the title says, an odd child. I will rant about topics that you probably never even thought of, or share my animal hybrids with the world. If I start a trend at school, I will probably share it here (then maybe you can make it popular). I may even share embarrassing stories or hilarious (at least to me) typos or flaws from my books/stories. Maybe even some horrific drawing that I attempt. You will also see crafts that I made that I think actually looks decent.

One last thing:

            I refer to myself as many things, such as the Moosicorn or Sloth. Depending on the topic, I may even call myself The Writer or The Odd Child (psst… like the title). These names will change over time, probably due to inside jokes at school. You may think it’s weird, but you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I have already told you that I am The Odd Child.

Signed,
The Odd Child

SLOTH